Creating emotional safety and opening the door for profound connection through genuine appreciation.
In the 5 Secrets of Effective Communication, "Stroking" is the practice of conveying warmth, respect, and positive regard to another person, even in the heat of a disagreement. It is the verbal and non-verbal way we tell someone, "You are important to me, and I value our relationship."
While it involves giving compliments, Stroking goes much deeper than surface-level flattery. When done genuinely, it creates emotional safety and opens the door for profound connection.
Here are the key elements to effectively use Stroking in your communication:
A genuine compliment is most impactful when it is followed by an explanation. Simply saying "You're great" is nice, but it lacks depth. By attaching the why to your statement, you show the person that you truly see them.
In general, compliments carry much more weight when they highlight something that is harder to change about a person (their character, their values, their heart) rather than something easy to change (their clothes, their haircut).
One of the most powerful ways to Stroke someone is to find the positive value hidden beneath a negative emotion or struggle. If someone is expressing a difficult feeling, look for the underlying core value that makes them feel that way.
Example: Imagine a mother who is highly anxious about her daughter going on a field trip for the first time.
The Reframe: Instead of telling her not to worry, you can highlight what her anxiety says about her character: "Your worry just shows how incredibly much you love your daughter and how deeply you care about her safety. You are such a protective and loving parent." Connecting their struggle to their deeply held values validates their experience and helps them feel understood.
Stroking is not about trying to magically make the other person feel better or "fixing" what they are struggling with. Instead, it is about highlighting the important, positive things about them that might be the very reason they are suffering in the first place. There is a fine line between genuine connection and "cheerleading."
Be cautious and patient: if a person has low self-esteem or is highly self-critical, it will be hard for them to accept your compliment if they do not believe it themselves. They might dismiss your kind words or argue with you.
If they deflect your Stroke, do not force it. Simply offer it as your own honest perspective. You are planting a seed of positivity, even if they aren't ready to water it yet.
Stroking will only work if it is 100% honest and genuine. If you do not truly mean what you are saying, the other person will sense it, and trust will be broken. Never invent a compliment just to smooth over a conversation. Find the truth of what you respect about them, and speak from that place.
Just as with "I feel" statements, the difference between assertiveness and manipulation lies in your intention.
Words only make up a small percentage of our communication. Through your body language, you show the other person that they truly matter because you are physically present and entirely focused on them. Your physical presence must match your words to convey genuine respect and care.
Combine your answers from Step 4 and Step 5 to create a statement that validates their pain while highlighting their positive character.
Clicking this will open your device's print menu. Select "Save as PDF" as the destination.
Copyright © 2026 by Richard Lam, LMFT. This handout is intended to enhance your understanding of Stroking, which was created by David D. Burns, M.D. (www.feelinggood.com).